Celebrating or Crying?


emotional-medly126.jpg  Today I’ve been emotionally up and down all day, and in a most uncustomary fashion.  That’s not to say I am never usually emotional.   Ye gods!  No chance!  I’m too emotional if anything.  In fact, I’m the greatest of great twerps when it comes to emotionalism.  But today has been strange.  I’ve been busy cleaning up for most of the day and I do realise that’s not the best way to spend a sunny public holiday but I did say today was strange.  Either that or I’ve been spending too much time over at Misslionheart’s cleaning-up blog

 Anyway, while I’ve been cleaning up I’ve had a niggling feeling that has followed me around all day.  An elusive feeling of yearning that failed to materialise no matter how hard I tried to reach it.

And I kept wanting to cry.  Again, I know this is nothing out of the ordinary for me.  As you know, just tidying my kids rooms is an epically heart-breaking ordeal for me.  But remember, today felt different.  It just did.

And to add to the frustration, just hearing the song Atomic by Blondie* in the car earlier brought floods of tears to my eyes.  

[There’s nothing quite like a piece of music to stir a whole medley of feelings. Nothing can make the eyes well up with tears the way a long-forgotten melody or song can;  the mind will remember events from the past and will file them neatly away but a song will take you right back to that time, evoking all those feelings and emotions; the mind remembers events gone by – a song remembers emotions gone by.]

Just now, I realised what was wrong with me.  It’s Easter.  Yes, of course it’s Easter, I know.  But…it’s my Easter.  I’m not referring to the Christian mourning-and-celebration ritual that occurs every year over a weekend.   It’s to do with the fact that both my parents died at Easter.  My lovely mother suddenly became severely and devastatingly ill on Good Friday and died four days later and my dad died years later on Easter Sunday, just seven weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. 

So.  I have two choices:  I can either put on the music tonight when the kids are asleep and wallow in tears and fond memories.  Or I can absolutely avoid the wine, watch an uplifting DVD and have an early night.

*My mum loved the Blondie song – Atomic

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17 responses to this post.

  1. Hi EP,

    My best wishes to you at this difficult time.
    It is amazing how old melodies and harmonies and new ones for that matter can create such vibrant emotions. I relish these experiences to the utmost…. open to them and looking for them at every turn. But the best ones are the ones that surprise me.
    I guess the healthiest thing to do is what moves you to be the happiest. If that means closing your eyes and giving yourself over to a melody or harmony and its associated memories and emotions so be it (I think this is how I pray). To avoid them is avoiding yourself I would think. If you and your mom both shared a love for a certain melody… what a great way to connect to her.
    Happy ‘your’ Easter.

    Reply

  2. You’ll be in my prayers, Earthpal.

    Reply

  3. Hey Loneranger. Thank you….very much.

    What a wonderful way to pray, giving yourself over to music. Music can be very meditative and I’ve done this many times. I think maybe you are a kindred spirit.

    And you’re absolutely right. I took your advice. I listened to music.

    I also drank too much cheap wine, ate too much chocolate and I wallowed. And I remembered. And I wanted to. I wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself. I knew it was only temporary and I knew I would later pick myself up and brush myself down (there’s even a song in there) and be my bright and bushy-tailed self after all the wallowing. But for the time being, I wanted to wallow. And wallow I did.

    Now I’m listening to Wagner’s Ride of the Valkryies. That will certainly pull me together!!

    I really love music.

    ***

    Helen, thank you….really. It’s lovely to know that people care.

    Reply

  4. Wish I could just give you a hug! Sending one over…..

    Reply

  5. Thanks chux. Love the pig. Made me smile.

    xxxx

    Reply

  6. Wow….. the ‘Ride’. You must be doing /much/ better EP!
    I’m picturing you running around your house cleaning at will with a horned helmet on singing at the top of your lungs. 🙂

    It is O.K. to cry and wallow,
    while much laughing there is to follow,
    and yes, kindred spirits we may be,
    as long as we have harmony.

    Alright, that was awful… sorry. I’m just in a poetry mood at the moment.
    Glad you’re feeling better.
    Cheers

    Reply

  7. Lol Loneranger. Are you peeping through my windows? Well, don’t forget the horse. I have to be mounted for this one!

    Love the poetry. And long live the harmony. Hehe.

    Thanks Loneranger. You made me laugh.

    Reply

  8. You have to be what???

    Earthie, methinks you are getting a little risque! 😉

    Reply

  9. 😳

    Hehehehehe….

    That came out wrong. The ride refers to the Valkyrie sisters who are on horseback.

    I can remember The Ride being played on the radio one time last year. It was one of those defining moments that you never forget. I was driving along a dark and eery country lane, surrounded by trees reaching over the road. The Royal Philharmonic was playing The Ride of the Valkyries when, right on cue, just to add dramatic effect, the heavens opened and the thunder and lightning came right in time to the music. It was eerily awesome. And truly majestic. A Rice/Webber effort couldn’t have choreographed it better.

    Reply

  10. 🙂
    Methinks misslionheart has a dirty mind. lol
    Great Wagner imagery/story.
    A soundtrack to life.

    Reply

  11. Trust me Loneranger, Misslionheart has a wonderfully filthy mind. Lol.

    A gorgeous day here. The sun is out and the sky is blue all over. Some gardening work methinks. Just trying to decide what music mood I’m in to help me along with the work.

    Reply

  12. Yay!! You are back to your ole’ self! 😎

    Reply

  13. Our beloved ones who are not present when there are festivities are more vividly remembered. That’s life, we don’t need any pictures or souvenirs, our mind takes care of that.

    Best of luck always, not only this Easter, Earthpal. You deserve it.

    Reply

  14. So I am, Missy, so I am…xxx

    Thank you Jose. You’re right. Our minds and our hearts remember far better than any precious keepsakes we may have. Warmest wishes to you too.

    xxx

    Reply

  15. Hi earthpal, noone knows how to do grief. It just happens, doesn’t it?

    I tend to go for chocolate under these circumstances.

    Reply

  16. I go for the wine! (Then regret it the next day) 😦

    Reply

  17. I do both!!

    Yes Bindi. Quite true. There’s no manual.

    Reply

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