And now … the labels

I have no idea who created all these labels or if they involve any intellectual property rights but it seems that mums everywhere are being categorised and labelled and this is what it looks like: 

Yummy Mummy: young, sexually attractive mum who turns up at school each morning looking gorgeous.  (It’s also the name of an American breakfast cereal but let’s not spoil the image).  Has permanently sun-kissed skin.  Never a hair our of place.  Always wears the latest designer accessories and those long, square acrylic nails are a must.  And she’s probably had breast enhancements too.  We hate her!

Alpha Mummy: created to throw Yummy Mummy off her throne and to tell the world that mums can wear gucchi sunglasses and have something between the ears.  She’s a control freak.  Obssessively organised and in full control of her life.  And her kid’s lives.  And probably her husband’s life too.  Her babies weren’t supposed to be flushed down the loo in a rubber bag if only he’d remembered to use one.  Oh no.  Alpha Mummy’s 2.5 children were planned to the last super-sperm swimming detail.

She never shouts.  She doesn’t go off her head when her kids have been naughty, which of course they rarely are.  She doesn’t shout ridiculous things like…”if you ever do that again, you will be grounded for a whole month!” with the kids knowing full well that this is totally unenforceable hence taking absolutely no notice whatsoever.  Nope.  She’s calmy militant and determined in her discipline agenda.  Her children listen to Mozart instead of Mika and are probably very competative.  They will attend every out-of-school activity in existence and she will expect consistently good grades from them.  We hate her but want to be her.

Beta Mummy: created in direct defiance of Alpha Mummy.  Disorganised.  Domestically-challenged.  Drinks too much wine at dinner parties and embarrasses herself in front of all the Alpha Mums and Dads.  Her kids are forever “exploring their creative side” and are usually free-spirited.  Beta Mummy does scrub up well for a night out but often finds herself tearing to school half dressed because she’s on the last minute – again!  She’s always late.  She’s clumsy, emotional, forgetful, often insecure.  And totally endearing.  We are her.

Slummy Mummy: I’m not sure if author, Fiona Neill, actually created this label but the Slummy Mummy is so cool that Neill wrote a whole book about her and I’ve placed my order with Santa.  I think the Slummy Mummy has always been here (post-1950’s housewife) but she’s never been awarded a label until the other labelled mums started to appear.  I think she’s basically a Beta Mummy with a more down-to-earth label.  I guess we are her too then.



3 responses to this post.

  1. These would be funny, if we (and others) didn’t take them so seriously.


  2. True Helen. Depending on my mood, I don’t usually take them too seriously.


  3. We humans do like to differentiate don’t we! Recognize all of the above at our school. What’s more interesting to me is the variety of dad lifestyles you get these days … well around here in boho London you do. Lots of dads here involved with their kids school day etc but then a lot of them are musicians, writers, producers etc so have that flexible working approach.


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