Wonder Woman flirts with her optician, spots a Green-Cross-Squirrel and sees her blog stats break personal record


It’s been a strange old day folks. Today my daughter went for an eye test and the optician she saw, who happened to be a really cute black guy with a funky hairstyle, thought I was my daughter’s sister. Now I know it’s not unusual for a guy to switch on the charm if he thinks he can benefit, in this instance by way of a teenage girl surrounded by hundreds of trendy designer frames who has just been given a new prescription. But I’m having none of that. I’m having it that he so-was-not making a sales pitch and I really do look young enough to be my eldest daughter’s sister. Anyway, his female associate said the same thing to me later and what woman would use such lame flattery for the purpose of profit? No, there’s absolutely no company tactic going on there.

Then later on, I walked past the Big Issue seller and I saw that she was getting some grief from a group of girls who were mocking her and ridiculing the way she was calling out “Big Issue please!”. Well, me being the kind of person who hates to see any form of bullying, I spun around several times, changed into Wonder Woman and flew right in there. I positioned myself between her and the girl-group and I took command. Well, not really. I just shushed them timidly because they looked quite hard and there were a lot of them. But plucky me, I soldiered on and tried to reason with them and I did manage a breakthrough, albeit a small one.

In spite of the big hair and the blinding tiara, some of them weren’t even aware of my presence at first, I guess on account of all the effinwonder-womang and jeffing and the waving of arms and the pointing of fingers that they were doing. Hey, and do you know that attitude thing that young girls on American TV do with their bodies – you know, when they lean on one foot while thrusting a hip out to one side and and jerking their head from side to side Egyptian-style? Sometimes they fold their arms and sometimes they put their hands on their hips. Then they switch feet and do the whole thing again in opposite? Can you picture it? (I certainly hope so because it took me ages to put it into words). Well girls do it in real life too. Those girls today were doing it like real pro’s and I was duly impressed. I thought it was just a thing they do on MTV and Hollyoaks but no, these girls were doing it for real, right in the face of poor Ms. Big Issue. But actually, poor Ms. Big Issue was quite a tough cookie herself because she was pointing right back at them and shouting into their faces. I was quite pleased about that but scared for her too. In spite of her courage, she had tears running down her freezing cold face . . . so not quite so tough really. My heart went out to her.

The girls moved on and I’d like to believe that I had put them in touch with their thoughtful compassionate side. Of course some would say that I was lucky not to have come away with a good thumping but you know me, I believe in kids and most of them aren’t bad . . . self-absorbed hedonists maybe but not bad. Anyway, I chatted to the lady for a bit and I found out that she was twenty-four years old and had two very young children. She told me she gets the same abuse every day and she’s tired. Ev-er-y day she said wiping her tears, I no like it. I remember her being harassed a while ago by a drunken guy but oddly, two police officers were walking by at the time so my security services weren’t required.

Then, on the way home I saw an amazing thing. There’s a steep and winding road leading up to the estate where we live which is lined with a magnificent assortment of trees. At the moment, it being Autumn and all, the trees are filled with a wonderful explosion of gold and yellow leaves and there’s rarely a time that I go up and down this road without seeing a squirrel foraging among the fallen leaves.

I’ve seen so many squirrels crossing the road that I’ve often feared for their safety. I’ve even considered putting roads signs up telling drivers to Beware: Squirrels Crossing! but hell, the drivers don’t even slow down for children so the wildlife has no chance! You should see those huge 4×4’s parking on the double yellows right outside the primary school. They block driveways, they mount pavements blocking prams and pedestrians, they park up totally haphazardly and then they abandon their vehicles and run into school for their kids. That’s the bizarre thing – it’s their own kids that they are endangering too. You’d think there’d be a kind of unspoken mutual consideration going on between parents but no, it’s every man for himself on the school run and I make no apologies for accusing 4×4 drivers of being the worst offenders. But sure, some smaller car drivers are guilty too. Bloody twerps would be the first to complain if their own child was hurt because of a carelessly parked vehicle.

But anyway, the squirrels, at least I needn’t be too worried about the squirrel’s safety. I’ve noticed something interesting about these bushy-tailed little tree rodents. I often see a poor hedgehog or the odd little mouse led at the side of the road, innards trailing and looking very dead. I even saw a dead cat once, with a young boy standing over it crying his eyes out. But I’ve never seen a dead squirrel.grey-squirrel Not a one. I find this strange. I see lot’s of them scurrying about on the busy road, dodging the vehicles but I have never seen any evidence of a squirrel killed by one. Therefore it must be that, as infants, they are taught by their elders how to cross the road safely. No really, hear me out. Just today, a squirrel came rushing out of the trees and ran right down the embankment then straight towards the kerb whereupon it stopped sharply and waited. Oh, I can hear you sniggering but I swear the squirrel looked left, then right . . and yes, then left again. As I passed it, I checked my rear view mirror and I saw it running swiftly across the road behind me and of course it was . . . looking and listening all the time.

Don’t ever underestimate the mental might of the grey squirrel.

And finally, I’ve decided to randomly place the words BNP member list into every post I write here because I’ve never had so many visits in one day.

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