Help me out here folks.
I mentioned recently that I’ve been tricked into taking part in a play called The Vagina Monologues to celebrate International Women’s Day 2010. My acting debut is looming and I’m learning my lines well but I have to use a phrase that refuses to come out off my mouth with the correct tone. Bear in mind that the play is written by an American woman and so, as one would expect, some of the language is rather Americanised. So, we’ve replaced one or two words with a more English version because being an English gal myself, English words just come out better thus (hopefully) a more natural performance will occur. For example, we’ve changed poor ass to poor arse, my butt has become my bum and we’re playing with the idea of changing pussy into the ever-so-much more British fanny. (Ooh, just think of all the hits I’ll get when all the pervs come online after midnight and start googling pussy).
Anyway, it’s all working in well but I’m really struggling with a particular, very American phrase. I have to say vagina motherfucker! but when I say it, it sounds twee, like I’m praying to Mother Theresa or eating candy-floss or something. I just can’t say it the way the Americans say it. Brits just don’t use that phrase so I need an effective alternative, a word that I’m familiar with . . . one that I’ve perhaps used myself maybe, just once or twice. In the staff room. Or on a drunken hen night.
Whatever it is, I need it pretty sharp. Because if I don’t get an alternative soon to practise with, I’m going to make a complete ass (sorry, arse) of myself in front of two-hundred and eighty odd expectant vagina’s.
Oh feck, I think I’m about to pass out.